Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Jan 2016 Au

Hi. You are currently re-reading Gone Girl, and at one point, you've messaged the boyfie to tell him how unsettling it is to be able to relate to the girl. (Now that you think about it, that sounded like a death threat.) The passage you were reading was that part where she was telling the story about their 3rd-yr anniversary, and how the guy missed it to go drinking with his office mates (valid reason, because they just got laid off) and how the girl was trying not to be upset and failing. (Now that you think about it, that sounded like a passive-aggressive subtext.) You're almost at the end of the novel now, and you realize that that isn't the part that you most relate to. It's this:
I was pretending, the way I often did, pretending to have a personality. I can't help it, it's what I've always done: The way some women change fashion regularly, I change personalities. What persona feels good, what's coveted, what's au courant? I think most people do this, they just don't admit it, or else they settle on one persona because they are too lazy or stupid to pull a switch.
2015 finds you to be the poetry Au: hipster vibes with the glasses and owl-themed stuff ("Not a hipster, nope. I just like hipster stuff"), workshop every weekend, poetry readings and being part of a folio. Backpacking Au took a little step back from travelling, photography Au gathered dust in the shelves, sporty Au took a break (gahd, the fats!!!), blogger Au tried and failed to take over, and even the bible-studying Au had taken a backseat. A few months with the boyfie had resurrected the cutie Au you've buried some years ago when you decided you wanted to be taken a little more seriously-- childlike, chubby-cheeked, tiny-voiced cutie ("My voice is not like that! >.<".) With that came Au's you've never met before: girlfriend Au, jealous Au, dog-cat-panda-loving-and-greeting Au, cool Au, wants-to-be-published Au (Actually, you've met her briefly in '11 before, that year of frenzied submissions to online publishers, not really understanding what you're doing), serious boardgaming Au-- and you wonder from time to time how all those Aus have fit inside all this time.

You write this blog now, not knowing where this is headed. At this very moment, you have no idea what Au you are, and you're kinda nostalgic for the one where you felt the most you. Thing is, you have no idea what exactly was that Au. But don't worry, lost Au, you aren't really lost right now. You are doing okay: there's going to be a new project at work, there's the boyfie, the friends are still there, and new ones, too! and you'd probably going to get better in watercolor. Don't worry about what you should be, the right kind of Au had always risen to the occasion, and so far, hasn't disappointed you yet.

So you'll be fine.