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Monday, March 31, 2014

To Remain Silent

Ignorance is bliss.
To keep the peace
I will not tell
The secrets bubbling in the surface.

Some day it will no longer matter.
But it does, for now.
So I will hold my tongue and think other thoughts.

Someday it will not matter.
Today, it does. A lot.
I will not tell.

Monday, March 24, 2014

083 Silence

Today, I learned about a very different kind of silence.
The one that does not burn.
The one that does not fill your head with all sorts of terrible things:
Is he mad at me? Irritated? Does he even want me here, talking to him?

Not that kind of silence.

It's the kind of silence that brings extra sheen to the rain-drenched city.
The kind of silence that add sparkle to the street lamps,
and drew rainbows in the slick roads,
and made everything outside the half-opened window serene and peaceful.

It's the kind of silence that makes you want to smile at the rain.

It's the kind that warms the heart, when sometime after, you look back at that silent car ride home.

The only kind that you hope you would ever have with him.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

081 Silence

Silence is scary.

I've been waiting for you all day to break that. A sticker, a joke, a link-- any of those nonsense would've lifted me out of my gloom. Any of those would have told me, "Ah, everything is okay again."

But maybe, this time it will never be okay. Maybe the silence will stretch on forever.

Maybe we are done.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Fallout

Friends are supposed to lift each other up, not bring each other down. But that's what we do to each other, and it's time we end that. I'm tired of feeling bad and trying to justify that it's okay; tired of telling myself that I am not supposed to feel that bad; that we aren't that close enough to hurt each other. We aren't close enough, but your words, and occasionally, your actions hurt me. It's time I admit to myself that it is not cool. I'm not cool with it. I get affected, I feel bad, and now, I've reached my breaking point.

The stress isn't worth it. Friendship shouldn't be that difficult, that is why I keep giving ours chances after chances after chances, thinking, "maybe it's a phase. Maybe after sometime we'd get to like what we've learned about each other and the childish barbs would stop." But I can't wait for it to stop. I'm tired and drained and frankly, for a not so deep friendship, it is so not worth it.

Maybe I'll miss you. Yes, I will miss you. Despite the multiple lows, there were some highs worth looking back to. I genuinely believed that you are not a bad person, I am just the kind of person you cannot get along with. Thanks for trying.

Thanks for everything.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Excuses

Sometimes, I just get irrationally angry. I blow up for no apparent reason, except those that reside in my head.

I get angry when my expectations are not met, even if I don't have a right to those expectations.

I get angry when subjected to the attention of people I don't like.

I get angry when I realize how irrational I can get. Self-awareness isn't fun, because then I know that my anger has no reason-- and it fuels ny anger more.

It is very tiring to be angry without a cause you can speak of.

I am tired.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Affirmation

In books, in quotes, in songs
I look for, emotions echoing mine.

But really, I want nothing more than see
Those feelings mirrored in your face.

I thought I had a chance.

I probably thought wrong.

Somehow, I did something to blow my shot.

Now, you're out of reach. A missed chance.

*
An old poem, rewritten today, and totally not reflecting what happened this day.

*

Sunday, March 2, 2014

This is When You Give Up

When the silence becomes so intense;
becomes such a palpable thing--
              almost like a wall;
becomes such a deterrent
that all your efforts to
break it
just
             bounce away
     in defeat.

When the mind games
becomes
 so complicated
and you are not sure
               if you are still a player


 or the one being played.

When the future is tainted with doubts,
and questions are sure to be unanswered.

When you can't be unafraid.

That is when you give up.