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Friday, June 20, 2014

First Goodbye

I don't think of you as much as I used to.
Now, I only wonder how you came to work--
never mind that; I shouldn't wonder anymore.

I don't miss you as much as I used to.
Ah, those days of feeling like I'd take the worst days I had with you,
those last few days before I left,
those last few days when it felt like that the dam
that was our collective experience, thoughts, (unstilted) conversations
is slowly diminishing away, and then replaced
by something else
something: (what, not talking? stranger-not-stranger limbo? what?)
something different from the us that I built in my mind (which, I find later, is probably a lie).
Those days of feeling like I'd take the worst days I had with you,
over the days when all I can do is wonder,
What are you doing today?

These days, I don't wonder anymore--
okay, I don't wonder as much.

I don't care as much as I used to.
You could say all those careless words all you want
and I would just huh?
There are no sass, no comebacks left, I think.
Those were our fuel, and now that they're gone,
I don't think we'd burn as bright as we did
long, long, long ago.

I don't think of you as much as I used to.
I don't miss you as much as I used to.
I don't care as much as I used to.
These days, I don't even wonder anymore--
okay, I wonder, not just as much.

Except for this:
Do you?

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