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Sunday, December 7, 2014

An Advice

I close my eyes and reach out my hand to that girl, almost a year ago--
she sat beside you, elated, nervous, confused, uncertain
and bottling up her happiness.
She knew it wouldn't last
and boy, was she right.

But I'm still gonna hold her hand and say
it's all right to be happy for things ephemeral
and be hurt afterwards.
It's alright.

Unicorn

My dear unicorn you came
like a flash of light in the dark.
And the way you showed up
exactly how I imagined
makes me think
'Hmm, you could be."

But you're not.

Because your flaws still shined like a beacon
and I can't tear my eyes off them
no matter how much I wanted to.

My dear unicorn, I'm letting you go.

And if you come back
with all the reasons to make me forget
of all the things that used to matter then

My dear unicorn, you could be.

Let's meet again, shall we?

Monday, November 3, 2014

Questions

Who are you?

It seems pretty late
to wrestle with identity issues--
Isn't it that by now you have figured out
(supposedly)
what mask you'd constantly wear?

Who are we?

As a group, what is it that we do
that would make them say--
Ah, them.

Who are they?
And if it does not matter what they think...

Why does it do?

Thursday, October 30, 2014

El Nido 2014 Trip in a Nutshell

Just found out there's a very cool and super easy to use movie creator sitting in my phone, unused (well, no more). It automatically groups pictures and videos into a very short clip (about 30secs). Unfortunately, the only editing you can do is change the pictures or videos and the soundtrack. You can delete an entry, but you can't add (or I haven't found a way to do it yet. Haha). There are no editing options aside from what I've mentioned (so no resize, change orientation, etc)

Still, pretty cool. See below:

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Your Secret

A secret--
That is what I am.
Someone to be kept
carefully under wraps.
It is a comfortable place,
but not meant to be lived in for a long time.
I feel myself chaffing against the cover.

I try to be patient,
try to understand--
and I am still trying.
Still, I wonder...

How can you hold it in,
when all I want to do
every single day

is to tell the world?


***

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Litany of Half-formed Thou--

Words that wouldn't form
teasing this paper
evading the ink
running and stumbling and breaking.

I'm sorry
I miss you
I love-- no, I shouldn't

I'm angry
I'm scared


and I'm sad

but I'm happy
                       outside.


Thursday, October 16, 2014

A Parade of Hobbies

What now? I ask myself

                   I cut up t-shirts.
                   I write verses.

                   I doodle.

                   I line up words.

                   I travel alone
                                         and with people.

                   I daydream.
                   I sleep for hours.

And yet, boredom, like an overeager puppy
   follows me around.
Its fingers tight around my neck;
    No matter how much I think of moving

I cannot shake it off.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Palawan More Time [Day 4]

A/N: I made it to day four!!! YAAAAS! (Thank you server that would not start ^_^)

So. No Ugong Rock for us today.

Instead, we woke up late, watched a really entertaining piece on brains on Nat Geo, and checked out of the lodge. We left all our stuff in the lodge's office.

Arka Travel Lodge | Oct 4, 2014

Friday, October 10, 2014

New Light

Bangs sweeping across his face
He looked years younger,
but different from the boy I haven't met.

A hand on his mouth, hiding his laughter.
The stoop on his shoulders gone--
there was spring in his step and light in his eyes.

I have never seen him before,
this friend of mine.

He is the same
and an entirely different person.
A portrait seen
in a different light.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Palawan More Time [Day 3]

Hello Day 3! Hello sunshine! (Pleaaaase!)

We scheduled a Taraw climb today, but the by the time we woke up it was already drizzling.

"It's still a go," we consoled ourselves, "it's not raining cats and dogs, not yet." And proceeded to get guides for our supposed climb. We got three, for Php500 each guide.

The rain stopped as we were walking towards the jump-off, and it seemed that Mr Sun is going to show himself, after all. Yay.
See? The weather was okay by this time. Paasa much.
El Nido town proper | Oct 3, 2014

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Palawan More Time [Day 2]

We woke up (or rose from bed. Some may not have gotten sleep.) at the criminally-early 2am. Thankfully, I am a much early riser when on vacations than on normal working days. Hah.

After rubbing sleep off our eyes and freshening up a little, we all chose our spots in Kuya Rolan's spacious van and slept the road trip to El Nido away. There wasn't much to see anyway, given that it was dark. I woke a little past 5 am, and saw a world shrouded in mist. It was a surreal sight-- silhouette of trees through curtains of fog, slumbering houses and quiet mountains.

We stopped by at some unassuming food stop to eat breakfast. It was somewhere in Taytay, just a few hours away from El Nido. There we consumed hotdogs and eggs and rice and coffee. Some of us sat down with instant cup noodles. It was a simple breakfast, but no less satisfying.

Breakfast.
Taytay, Palawan | Oct 2, 2014

Palawan More Time [Day 1]

(Ugh, excuse the pun)

Our trip started innocuously enough. Yep I call "dashing-to-the-boarding-gate-while-our-names-are-being-broadcasted-throughout-the-airport-as-latecomers" innocuous (that is a personal dream, actually). We made it, and our plane being fourth in line to take-off, actually had a few minutes to spare before the actual flight.

This is the start of my love affair with selfie stick and fish-eye cliplens.
NAIA Terminal 3 | Oct 1, 2014

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Progress

I still feel pinpricks in my heart--
note, pinpricks--
whenever I hear your name.

That, I think, is progress.

It used to be a punch
so heavy, it takes my breath away.
And I feel like throwing up.

It used to be so bad
I had to hide
until the feeling passes.

But now. It's a
twinge.
And not much more.

It hurts, still, but I believe
it won't be long until
your name are just words that I know
but do not feel.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Different

One day you just find out that you actually can eat vegetables, after almost two decades of avoiding that food group.

One day, you just stop missing a person you thought you would keep in your heart forever.

One day, something shifts-- a glance becomes a second too long, and whoops.

What was that?

Something, definitely.

Something different.

Monday, September 1, 2014

A Touch Too Bitter

I made you laugh,but that is not what you will remember. I cracked your shell, I've shown you the world-- what it's like to go out there and feel, but you would forget it was me. You'd look at her and drown in her smile and in your happiness forget who taught you to fly. You will forget the world that was before her. The world where I continue to exist, where we met, where you became what you are because of me.

That is what rankles:
the knowledge that she would be perfect for you, and I, and I would just be that flawed someone
who changed bits of you unnoticed.

Monday, August 25, 2014

100 Yellow Cars

Now, where is your miracle, universe?
You have promised me one,
And I was conscientous in counting.

I will be waiting, like I waited for the hundredth;
Like I believed the promises that were thereafter broken,

Where is my miracle, universe?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Distance and Perspective

You.

feel so far away
but I can't decide,
whether that is a good
or an awful thing.

I'm probably leaning on the latter
though reason dictates
that I should
celebrate.

***

Me.

how do I capture that blinking cursor
and show it here?

because that exactly describes me--
blinking, blinking, waiting--


Monday, July 7, 2014

One of Them Unsent

I wrote you letters you'll never get to read.
Aren't you curious?

There were messages that I've erased,
too, replaced
by something more banal than hello.

Aren't you curious?

There are secret diary entries,
notes and footnotes,
drawings and caricatures--
memories in ink.

Aren't you curious?

Friday, July 4, 2014

Lesson Learned

cautiously optimistic
pessimistic tentatively.
I can no longer accept
your gifts as they are.
For the ones you gave before
sweet as they were
to end, bitter remembrances.



what was remembered

short questions
 non answers
awkward jokes
 forced laughter.

that's maybe how
it was always be.

but.

one time the questions flowed,
and the answers came unbidden
laughter rent the air, coaxed by
jokes unrehearsed.

just one time.

and that one time, in the construed memory,

towered over the thousand other silences.


***********************
20140704 edit

ONCE

one time the questions flowed,
and the answers came unbidden
laughter rent the air, coaxed by
jokes unrehearsed.

just one time. in my mind, however,
it might last forever.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I Don't Want To Write

I don't want to write about you anymore.
I don't want to think of you anymore.
If I could pick the pieces of you that stuck to my brain,
I would.
But.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Reunion


the firsts, the lasts, even the forgettables
were marked. and they spill forth today,
as tales to be told to the main characters.

do you remember?
do you remember?
and we marvel at what we do remember.
little things. what she said. what he did.
what 'so do i' mean
and why we roared at its mere mention.

oh, the terrifying things then...
are the butt of jokes today.
what made our knees trembled
are what made us chuckle today.

the laughter in our minds are two decades old
but still crisp and ringing as if the jokes are still fresh.
the photographs are fuzzy at the edges
and vivid in our hearts
and stories, though told over and over again
are still told as if they've all just happened.

Ah. Reunions. We come with beer bellies
and graying hair and memories instead of dreams.
And for an hour or so,
we are what we were again.

Friday, June 20, 2014

First Goodbye

I don't think of you as much as I used to.
Now, I only wonder how you came to work--
never mind that; I shouldn't wonder anymore.

I don't miss you as much as I used to.
Ah, those days of feeling like I'd take the worst days I had with you,
those last few days before I left,
those last few days when it felt like that the dam
that was our collective experience, thoughts, (unstilted) conversations
is slowly diminishing away, and then replaced
by something else
something: (what, not talking? stranger-not-stranger limbo? what?)
something different from the us that I built in my mind (which, I find later, is probably a lie).
Those days of feeling like I'd take the worst days I had with you,
over the days when all I can do is wonder,
What are you doing today?

These days, I don't wonder anymore--
okay, I don't wonder as much.

I don't care as much as I used to.
You could say all those careless words all you want
and I would just huh?
There are no sass, no comebacks left, I think.
Those were our fuel, and now that they're gone,
I don't think we'd burn as bright as we did
long, long, long ago.

I don't think of you as much as I used to.
I don't miss you as much as I used to.
I don't care as much as I used to.
These days, I don't even wonder anymore--
okay, I wonder, not just as much.

Except for this:
Do you?

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Cebu : Rambling on Whalesharks, Pointy Peaks, and the Smell of Dried Fish (Part 2)

(3-4hrs later...) Off to Dalaguete it is.

From the airport we boarded a  taxi (the one with the expensive flag rate), and asked to be taken to the South terminal. Kuya driver offered to take us all  the way to Oslob, but we declined.

At the bus terminal, I found a stall selling scarfs (yaaay!) and I bought one for Php120 (didn't haggle). We then proceeded to board a bus to Lilo-an, which would pass by the junction in Dalaguete, the jump-off to Osmeña peak. After 3 hours of road trip and patchy Spotify soundtrip intersped with The Heirs marathon, we arrived at Dalaguete and were immediately greeted by a horde of habal-habal drivers, who were all quite eager to take us to Osmeña peak (at the foot, that is) for Php200 two-way fare.

We decided to have breakfast first.


Friday, June 13, 2014

Cebu : Rambling on Whalesharks, Pointy Peaks, and the Smell of Dried Fish (Part 1)

Day 1:

Our flight was scheduled at around 9-10 pm on a Saturday, so naturally, I forego packing at the very last possible minute. Dang it, I can only find half of my aqua shoes, so sorry guys, you are not going to Cebu. I packed just the right stuff, of course, because I'm great like that.

Ooops, I left my jacket.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Dilemma


I don't know what to think. Really.
I am sure I like you, but to what extent, I have no idea.
Should I start a chase or let things go?
Do I like you because you're you,
or because there is someone who does, too?
Or maybe because I got into my stupid head the idea
that you might like me too.

But the problem you see, is it hurts and I'm not even sure
if it should.
Do I tell you? Is there something I am afraid to lose?
If I act as if it doesn't matter, will it really not matter?
I might just shoot myself in the foot.

So what do I do? Do I let you know?
Would I become the girl who tells things just as they are,
and will I win this feelings game that way?

I still think these sort of feelings is stupid and cheesy and totally not worth the headache.
Or the heartache. Or the effort. Or anything at all.

Maybe I should just tell you.
Maybe I should just let it go.
Maybe. Maybe.


Monday, May 5, 2014

What I Wish I Could Say...

...right now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting you walk that dark pathway all by yourself, but I have to let go. I can't look after you that much anymore.

I don't know if I could even be that much of a friend, actually.

You see, I don't wanna fall, but I am starting to tip over.

I'm starting to think of you a lot. I am starting to worry about you, even when I should not.

I don't want to fall. Not with you. I am pretty sure you wouldn't want to catch me anyway.

So I have to put more distance between us. I don't want routines, inside jokes, feelings.

I want you to know, though, that watching you walk away tonight is one of the saddest things I've seen for a while.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Things I Know By Now

Your shirt size, if by a certain brand
(and your underwear size,
if only I was paying attention)
And what kind of tshirt you'd most likely wear.
What you'd order, if you don't know what to order.
Your default Starbucks coffee.
And the popcorn flavor you'd get.

And what you'd say when I say I don't know.
I think I can tell what sort of songs you like,
and what movies you'd vehemently refuse to watch
(I am still trying to change your opinion, though).

I can tell when you don't wanna talk.
And when you'd want to. I think.

What I don't know, until now,
is despite all that I know
that you don't know that I know...

where do I stand?

Does all this knowledge
give me even a tiny, little bit of chance?

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Divertion

I can feel something is afoot.
The way you look at me so often,
how easy I can make you laugh.
How easy you make it for me to forget
how my heart aches for another.

Cute banters. Gentle teasings
And that lovely, awkward smile of yours.
The way you say my name, I keep its echoes in my brain.

I hope that there is something more for us in the future,
That what I felt today won't fade.


I am ready, so ready to fall.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

I Hate You

I want to. I want to think of you as the bad guy who has been stringing me along and then dropped me like a hot potato when the pretty girl finally notices you.

But you are not a bad guy. And me, no matter how hard I try, cannot hate you.

Because you didn't string me along. Sure, you showed something out of character that made me think you might have some feelings for me, but maybe it was just me who misinterpreted things. It was just me who thought I was special just because you were suddenly chatty, nicer, when in truth you haven't change at all.

I wish I could hate you though. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much when I see that green dot beside your name and I haven't receive any message when not so long ago there'd be tons from you waiting to be read when I go online.

It sucks falling in love with an illusion. It sucks more when you can't hate that illusion because the rational part of you knows that you are the one who built that illusion.

It sucks that I can't hate you, that I still hope things would go back the way they are and I'd have my happy ending with you.

I hate you. I want to.

If I repeat it a thousand times, will I finally feel it?

I HATE YOU.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Note To Self

There is no consolation in the knowledge that it will be okay in the future, but IT WILL BE.

Telling yourself that it's okay to give up does not make things better. It does not help. Nothing would be of help as of the moment.

Only time can heal the heartache, and time will take its sweet sweet time.

Right now, it will freakin' hurt so much, and nothing will make it okay.

But that's okay. That's okay. You will be okay. Why? It's not the freakin' end of the world, that's why. And yeah, it's no help, but things will definitely be better someday. Someday.

Endure.

Monday, March 31, 2014

To Remain Silent

Ignorance is bliss.
To keep the peace
I will not tell
The secrets bubbling in the surface.

Some day it will no longer matter.
But it does, for now.
So I will hold my tongue and think other thoughts.

Someday it will not matter.
Today, it does. A lot.
I will not tell.

Monday, March 24, 2014

083 Silence

Today, I learned about a very different kind of silence.
The one that does not burn.
The one that does not fill your head with all sorts of terrible things:
Is he mad at me? Irritated? Does he even want me here, talking to him?

Not that kind of silence.

It's the kind of silence that brings extra sheen to the rain-drenched city.
The kind of silence that add sparkle to the street lamps,
and drew rainbows in the slick roads,
and made everything outside the half-opened window serene and peaceful.

It's the kind of silence that makes you want to smile at the rain.

It's the kind that warms the heart, when sometime after, you look back at that silent car ride home.

The only kind that you hope you would ever have with him.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

081 Silence

Silence is scary.

I've been waiting for you all day to break that. A sticker, a joke, a link-- any of those nonsense would've lifted me out of my gloom. Any of those would have told me, "Ah, everything is okay again."

But maybe, this time it will never be okay. Maybe the silence will stretch on forever.

Maybe we are done.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Fallout

Friends are supposed to lift each other up, not bring each other down. But that's what we do to each other, and it's time we end that. I'm tired of feeling bad and trying to justify that it's okay; tired of telling myself that I am not supposed to feel that bad; that we aren't that close enough to hurt each other. We aren't close enough, but your words, and occasionally, your actions hurt me. It's time I admit to myself that it is not cool. I'm not cool with it. I get affected, I feel bad, and now, I've reached my breaking point.

The stress isn't worth it. Friendship shouldn't be that difficult, that is why I keep giving ours chances after chances after chances, thinking, "maybe it's a phase. Maybe after sometime we'd get to like what we've learned about each other and the childish barbs would stop." But I can't wait for it to stop. I'm tired and drained and frankly, for a not so deep friendship, it is so not worth it.

Maybe I'll miss you. Yes, I will miss you. Despite the multiple lows, there were some highs worth looking back to. I genuinely believed that you are not a bad person, I am just the kind of person you cannot get along with. Thanks for trying.

Thanks for everything.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Excuses

Sometimes, I just get irrationally angry. I blow up for no apparent reason, except those that reside in my head.

I get angry when my expectations are not met, even if I don't have a right to those expectations.

I get angry when subjected to the attention of people I don't like.

I get angry when I realize how irrational I can get. Self-awareness isn't fun, because then I know that my anger has no reason-- and it fuels ny anger more.

It is very tiring to be angry without a cause you can speak of.

I am tired.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Affirmation

In books, in quotes, in songs
I look for, emotions echoing mine.

But really, I want nothing more than see
Those feelings mirrored in your face.

I thought I had a chance.

I probably thought wrong.

Somehow, I did something to blow my shot.

Now, you're out of reach. A missed chance.

*
An old poem, rewritten today, and totally not reflecting what happened this day.

*

Sunday, March 2, 2014

This is When You Give Up

When the silence becomes so intense;
becomes such a palpable thing--
              almost like a wall;
becomes such a deterrent
that all your efforts to
break it
just
             bounce away
     in defeat.

When the mind games
becomes
 so complicated
and you are not sure
               if you are still a player


 or the one being played.

When the future is tainted with doubts,
and questions are sure to be unanswered.

When you can't be unafraid.

That is when you give up.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Can We Talk About the Moon?

I want us to discuss the merits of the moon.

Whether it was worth climbing 10 floors to the roofdeck just to see it smile.

       Or should I just photograph it for you?

I want us to discuss my romanticism--
 whether it is excessive (yes, I think you think so).

Whether the moon is just being plain, and I am just being too gushy.
Whether it reminds you of something.
       
         Even-- do you care?


I want us to discuss the moon.

Until, even when I'm no longer in your orbit,
it'd remind you of me.

But I close the messenger even before the courage to type in the first letter arrives.
For surely, you'd just think I'm being silly.

       "The moon does not merit a discussion."

 And that'd be the end of it.

Again.
And again and again.



Saturday, February 1, 2014

What I Will Not Be

I will not be someone who says she'd wait,
And then prod and whine and complain
that something-- or someone is taking too long.

I will not wait forever, though.

I will not be someone who says she had made up her mind,
then change it by the minute.

When my mind is made up, you can hardly change it,
Mind that you still can, you just have to try hard.

I will not be someone who conceals her thoughts
and expects it to be read with clarity.

I will conceal my thoughts, though
but I will not hold the reader accountable for any misinterpretation.

I will not be needy, nor clingy.
That does not mean I will never need anyone.
Just that when I need you,
I'll keep in mind that I can't keep you
Or anyone.
No matter how much I want to.

So I won't try.

Forward?

I don't know. Perhaps, despite the numerous brakes, our story is finally moving forward. Jerkingly, slowly, forward, like a machine waking out of slumber, but a movement nonetheless.

I am not fooling myself. There will still be times that the whole thing will halt-- or set off to an entirely different direction than what I had hoped for. But I am hopeful that I have made peace with that outcome.

For I will always remember today. I dared ask you, and despite your non-answer, I got the response I was hoping for.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

On Decaf-ing, and Other Vague Stuff

1.) I'd like to say I'm undergoing caffeine withdrawal, but as it is just my 2nd day of no-coffee-week, that sounds overly dramatic. I'm feeling lethargic, sleepy and slightly irritated, though. You judge.

2.) How many no's do I have to dish out before it becomes apparent I am not interested in any one-to-one hangout? There are really some people you can't stand, and unfortunately, you are one of mine. (This goes out to all people whose invitations I am consistently turning down. I'm sorry for being passive. This is the best I can do.)

3.) I want to try project pie so badly, and watch The Wolf of Wallstreet and Life of Walter Mitty. I can do those on my own, and I really can't figure out why I'm waiting for other people. Must be the caffeine withdrawal thing.

4. Clingy people irritates the hell out of me, except you. I want you to be a little bit clingy, but the best I can hope for are half-hearted invites. Hay.

5. Do I dare publish this crap? Yes, why not? I guess it was coffee that made me a tiny bit sane, and now that it's gone... hohum.

6. Cheerful auuu, come back. The gloomy version is boring and gloomy. I'm afraid I'm driving my friends away. :(

7. Please do not comment.

8. *agsgshxckdiysba*

Thursday, January 16, 2014

26 is A Number.

Paggising ko, 26 na ko. Nakakawoah lang yung feeling.

Okay. Bio-age: 26. Disposition: forever eleven. :))

Di ko alam kung pano maging 26. Di ko napaghandaan 'to. Parang kahapon lang, 13 lang ako, breezing through highschool... and then.

Pero thankful ako. I survived quarter life. I sort of stumbled and jumbled through a quarter of my century, and I'm thankful I haven't messed up the rest of my life. Thank you Lord for your grace and guidance all throughout that period, and for the succeeding years of my life-- kahit saan man abutin. :)

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2013 Yearender

Dahil di naman ako makatulog, ihahabol na lang kita, kahit huli.

Salamat 2013. Hindi ka kasing agit ni 2012, pero yung pagiging steady mo lang yung kelangan ko.

Konting bundok, konting trip. Sakto lang.

Pero andaming dagdag na alaala.

Salamat sa tattoo -- palaging paalala na kahit anong sakit, pisikal-emosyonal-mental, kaya ko.

Salamat sa mga akyat -- palaging paalala na pwede naman huminto pag pagod na. Di naman lumalayo ang tuktok eh. Minsan nga lang may time constraint, pero pag di talaga kaya, edi wag.

Salamat sa solo travel sa Davao ulit palaging paalala na kahit mag-isa, kaya ko pa rin maging masaya. Di ako bitter sa mga nagcancel ah. Haha

Salamat sa mga kaibigang hatid mo 2013. Sa kulay na dala nila, at dadalhin pa.

Salamat sa mga kaibigang hatid ni 2012 na higit kong nakilala ngayon. Di ako sigurado kung anong klaseng impluwensya ako, pero sigurado akong impluwensya ako. Haha

Salamat sa mga kaibigang andito pa rin, kahit 3-4-5-6 na taon na ang dumaan. Salamat sa pakikinig ng taimtim sa mga kwentong 2013, at sa presensyang di nagmamaliw anuman ang dumaan.

Salamat sa mga bagong aral sa trabaho, sa pagbabalik ng lasa sa mga panahong umay na.

At higit sa lahat, salamat sa mga balang bibitbitin sa 2014.

Salamat 2013. Dabest ka!


2014, sana ikaw din.